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I used to believe in God and all the love he would send down to everyone and everything. I used to pray everyday and everyday I prayed for one thing that I held closest to my heart. Today what I prayed for is gone. Today my faith is crumbling. Today my parents wonder why I donrsquo;t go to church with them anymore, they try to cheer me up by saying things they have prayed for that have come true and I only think it would have happened anyways. Their fanaticism only drives me further away from where they want me to be going. The faith I used to thing to be so strong was nothing more than a shame in my mind, I have no beliefs, I desperately want to believe but whatever is holding me back skews in my mind the possibility of it really being possible, and I know in the church that needing to see God is almost considered a sin for not having faith that he is really there. I know now, that I have no real faith in anything.

�

I used to be optimistic. I believed in the goodness of others. But I always feared the darkness that hides in myself and I knew it wasnrsquo;t just me that had cynical feelings hidden from the world. And so I distance myself from people I donrsquo;t know, that feeling of trust I get from others is not what I give them, I am friendly nice and caring, but for me to trust you like I trust my closest friends is not something you gain overnight. I used to think of myself of relaxed and easy going, but knowing my rage, and the hate that I have for people that I should love with all my heart and look past there problems because I have them too, and no matter how far away he is I canrsquo;t think of any way to apologize and try to repair the rift I created in this family. And to this day no one will understand what that has done to me.

�

Warcraft was never a game I would have played for fun. I still donrsquo;t play it for fun. The game is an escape from what is happening in my real life. Itrsquo;s a wonderful game for that reason and helps me get through the day sometimes but in the real world I donrsquo;t feel anything for anyone anymore. Excuse the alliteration. I thought I did but as time went on I didnrsquo;t notice the fact that I was numbing myself to something I knew was coming, I was preparing for the inevitable loss of the thing I held dearest to me.

�

It didnrsquo;t help numb the pain.

�

I sit here now alone, thinking about all the good things in my life, my sister is pregnant; my cousin just had a beautiful baby boy, who is so precious, and small. Liam really did make my day seem better and thinking about the soon I can hold my own nephew/niece in my arms will be truly awakening to me. These things make me incredibly happy. I was so happy 2 days ago, so goddamn happy.

�

I knew, and I was lying to myself, I knew since the day you stopped instigating silly talk, since the day you got mad at me for talking about the past. I didnrsquo;t want to believe it, I distanced myself and didnrsquo;t know exactly why I was, I tried to cut the cord but I couldnrsquo;t, you never can do such a thing without due cause or hurt.

�

Right now, nothing takes me away from this pain, God only drives me to rage, my sisterrsquo;s pregnancy scares the shit out of me, Warcraft drives me deeper into this depression., and thinking about anything else doesnrsquo;t last long, alcohol couldnrsquo;t drown it, running couldnrsquo;t kill it. Shaking in anger is not something I do often.

�

Today, I truly know how you felt when we began. To love someone no matter what all your friends say; to drive those friends away for the sake of a relationship. To not be willing to be apart of something that you think really matters. And now you now how it feels to be marc, to hurt someone so fully that they cant function, to tear someone down to your level, to crush someonersquo;s willingness to give, to turn someonersquo;s world of color to shades of grey.

�

I understand now what our relationship was to you. Today it means nothing to me, today I wish it never happened, today I destroy your memory. For all the times I let you rag on me, for all the times I let you get mad at me for being mad at you. For all the times you made me think I was happy with you. Thank you for making that clear to me.

�

To think I still loved you.

�

Never letting me admit how miserable you made me.

�

I wish I could have told you this face to face.

�

And to think, yoursquo;re doing the same thing you did to me to someone else. Irsquo;m just thankful marc didnrsquo;t have the same history I did with you because that made things easy for me. �But I guess Irsquo;m doing him a favor. To bad he doesnrsquo;t know what your intentions for him are, isnrsquo;t it?

�

The thing I hate the most though about myself, I want it all back. And thatrsquo;s the part that is forcing my hand now to leave this last message. I was going to write a letter but that would be too much.

�

This is really it. I never really had it in me before now to really mean this.

�

Goodbye Amy.

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I was just on vacation for a week, and decided to wear my BioThreat skirt out one night, with the fabric flap things zipped off. Apparently when worn like that, the zipper pulls arenapos;t particularly secure, and I very nearly lost one of them (if it hadnapos;t hit the wall and made a lot of noise, I never would have known Iapos;d dropped it). Once I found it and got it back on, I checked the other skirt, and apparently it does it too - in future, Iapos;ll probably either pull them off and leave them in a safe place if Iapos;m going to wear the skirt like that, or creatively pin them.

Did I miss any good sales posts while I was gone?

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Riku slowly followed after the guard and moved into the showers with a wary look around. He found it strange to not have his blindfold on and belatedly realized it had been removed along with his cloak. He wanted it back, if only because heapos;d worn it for so long he felt naked without it, and not just in a physical way. That blindfold was one of the only things helping him protect and help Sora in his mind. So long as no one really knew who he was, word wouldnapos;t get back to Sora which meant he wouldnapos;t be distracted from what he had to do. The cloak and Ansemapos;s body had helped, but those were gone now, and now that he was finally not using Ansemapos;s image as a disguise, he really didnapos;t want to return to it. That... Wasnapos;t him, and he didnapos;t want to be Ansem. He just wanted to be himself, though heapos;d lost so much of himself in and to the darkness he wasnapos;t sure who he was anymore. All he knew was he had to protect Sora, but... He didnapos;t even know where Sora was now. Hell, he didnapos;t even know where he was anymore. Heapos;d been able to feel Sora along the connection between their hearts before, but... It was gone now, or at least so weak he couldnapos;t even begin to follow it.

Well... There was nothing he could do now about that now. Heapos;d just have to... Play along for a while. There had to be a way out of here, surely. If not, well, heapos;d just fight his way out like always, though he was slowly but surely learning it was usually easier to get answers without a weapon in hand.

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Well I learned something last night.� Phillip Winchester is almost as hot as Sean Bean.� LOL� I enjoyed the premiere of the new show on NBC called Crusoe, though I didnapos;t think it was GREAT exactly.�� Casting Sean as Crusoeapos;s dad was really good - they look a lot alike.� It will be interesting to see the various plots they come up with since we all know Robin canapos;t leave the island or the show will be over.�� I had a little trouble finding the gadgets believable, but then, what else did he and Friday have to do??� Anyway, I think it might be a good entertaining show - at least Iapos;m hoping it will be.

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At the moment I have noticed high consistency problems. Events before posts, posts before events finish, etc, etc. So I propose that while an event is going on, there shouldnapos;t be any more events or posts until it is over.. Now, this is just a proposal because I do not have the right to make this a rule ,however I think it would help with the consistency problems weapos;ve been having. So just thought Iapos;d put this idea out there. So yeah, just think it over

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Got up early, read my emails etc, checked on the room number and time for my first midterm of the year, and sat down to study. Somewhere in the course of the day, I got the room number and time mixed up in my brain, and I realized my error about 8 minutes after the test started. Unfortunately, I was over 20 blocks away, and without my bike.

Hopped a lucky bus, tore up to my office to collect my calculator (how I love you TI-89), and burst into the room roughly 27 minutes late. I had just over an hour to complete the entire 90-minute exam.

now, I test fast. really fast--I always have. But I have never set fire to a piece of paper like I did yesterday afternoon. In the end, I had something written on every page, and a reasonable belief that most of it approached correctness... But I was so amped up on adrenaline that I couldnapos;t sit still or speak at a normal rate... So when my two close friends and I went for mexican food, it was mexican martinis all around.

after dinner we went to get a pitcher of�beer, and�when Britain�steps to the menapos;s room�Jaime and I (Jaime being a classically adorable blonde girl who is ALWAYS offered drinks) were offered saki bombs by the strangers next to us at the bar. We politely decline and argue about texting etiquette. Someone has a brilliant idea about bowling (it might even have been me) and so we trek north to the alley, where I throw some miserable rocks (Iapos;m a terrible though enthusiastic bowler) for a couple of hours... I ceased drinking long before, but I laugh at my friends as they argue over who is taking advantage of whom when Britain buys Jaime a shot of tequila. It was good to be out with both of them at once--this has not happened since summer, and we were inseperable last year... Itapos;s a bit strange. Then I came home to my lonely (and cold) bed, and woke up way too early this morning slightly grumpy and dehydrated.

I do not want to go to school today. Unfortunately, I am already here. Things can only get, better, right? at least I can do some yoga later.
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Being an art major is the most expensive thing ever
I swear Iapos;ve spent AT LEAST 500 DOLLARS on art supplies BALLS

Jeremy Lindsay say that I need to stay here on the weekends to make friends.
I already have friends, thank youuuu.
They just happen to be at home.

I bought a fish today.
I donapos;t know what to name him.
But heapos;s pretty cool.
Cept when I put him in his bowl.
He jumped out of the cup into a paper bowl and I screamed soooo loud while escorting him from the paper bowl into the fish bowl.
I just hope I set it up right so he wonapos;t die.
Then again, I kinda hope he dies before May so I donapos;t have to drive an hour and a half when I move out with a fish in my lap.
I still need a name.

I wish I had a car.
A TV.
Airport for my Mac.
A bigger room.
A life? Yeah, a life.
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