I used to believe in God and all the love he would send down to everyone and everything. I used to pray everyday and everyday I prayed for one thing that I held closest to my heart. Today what I prayed for is gone. Today my faith is crumbling. Today my parents wonder why I donrsquo;t go to church with them anymore, they try to cheer me up by saying things they have prayed for that have come true and I only think it would have happened anyways. Their fanaticism only drives me further away from where they want me to be going. The faith I used to thing to be so strong was nothing more than a shame in my mind, I have no beliefs, I desperately want to believe but whatever is holding me back skews in my mind the possibility of it really being possible, and I know in the church that needing to see God is almost considered a sin for not having faith that he is really there. I know now, that I have no real faith in anything.
I used to be optimistic. I believed in the goodness of others. But I always feared the darkness that hides in myself and I knew it wasnrsquo;t just me that had cynical feelings hidden from the world. And so I distance myself from people I donrsquo;t know, that feeling of trust I get from others is not what I give them, I am friendly nice and caring, but for me to trust you like I trust my closest friends is not something you gain overnight. I used to think of myself of relaxed and easy going, but knowing my rage, and the hate that I have for people that I should love with all my heart and look past there problems because I have them too, and no matter how far away he is I canrsquo;t think of any way to apologize and try to repair the rift I created in this family. And to this day no one will understand what that has done to me.
Warcraft was never a game I would have played for fun. I still donrsquo;t play it for fun. The game is an escape from what is happening in my real life. Itrsquo;s a wonderful game for that reason and helps me get through the day sometimes but in the real world I donrsquo;t feel anything for anyone anymore. Excuse the alliteration. I thought I did but as time went on I didnrsquo;t notice the fact that I was numbing myself to something I knew was coming, I was preparing for the inevitable loss of the thing I held dearest to me.
It didnrsquo;t help numb the pain.
I sit here now alone, thinking about all the good things in my life, my sister is pregnant; my cousin just had a beautiful baby boy, who is so precious, and small. Liam really did make my day seem better and thinking about the soon I can hold my own nephew/niece in my arms will be truly awakening to me. These things make me incredibly happy. I was so happy 2 days ago, so goddamn happy.
I knew, and I was lying to myself, I knew since the day you stopped instigating silly talk, since the day you got mad at me for talking about the past. I didnrsquo;t want to believe it, I distanced myself and didnrsquo;t know exactly why I was, I tried to cut the cord but I couldnrsquo;t, you never can do such a thing without due cause or hurt.
Right now, nothing takes me away from this pain, God only drives me to rage, my sisterrsquo;s pregnancy scares the shit out of me, Warcraft drives me deeper into this depression., and thinking about anything else doesnrsquo;t last long, alcohol couldnrsquo;t drown it, running couldnrsquo;t kill it. Shaking in anger is not something I do often.
Today, I truly know how you felt when we began. To love someone no matter what all your friends say; to drive those friends away for the sake of a relationship. To not be willing to be apart of something that you think really matters. And now you now how it feels to be marc, to hurt someone so fully that they cant function, to tear someone down to your level, to crush someonersquo;s willingness to give, to turn someonersquo;s world of color to shades of grey.
I understand now what our relationship was to you. Today it means nothing to me, today I wish it never happened, today I destroy your memory. For all the times I let you rag on me, for all the times I let you get mad at me for being mad at you. For all the times you made me think I was happy with you. Thank you for making that clear to me.
To think I still loved you.
Never letting me admit how miserable you made me.
I wish I could have told you this face to face.
And to think, yoursquo;re doing the same thing you did to me to someone else. Irsquo;m just thankful marc didnrsquo;t have the same history I did with you because that made things easy for me. �But I guess Irsquo;m doing him a favor. To bad he doesnrsquo;t know what your intentions for him are, isnrsquo;t it?
The thing I hate the most though about myself, I want it all back. And thatrsquo;s the part that is forcing my hand now to leave this last message. I was going to write a letter but that would be too much.
This is really it. I never really had it in me before now to really mean this.
Goodbye Amy.
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